15 Signs You Might Be a Sloth in Human Form
We’re not saying you are a sloth… but if your idea of cardio is reaching for the remote and your social battery runs on three naps a day, it might be time to embrace your inner tree-dweller.
1. Your natural habitat is... your bed.
You’ve optimized your sleep setup like a tech bro builds his workspace. Soft lighting, top-tier pillows, snacks within reach—pure sloth luxury.
2. Your top speed is “eventually.”
You believe in moving with intention. And by intention, we mean “after another 10 minutes of sitting here doing absolutely nothing.”
3. You’ve ghosted plans for a nap — and felt zero guilt.
Self-care > social obligation. You’ve canceled brunch to nap and didn’t even pretend to feel bad about it.
🛌 Bonus points if you did it wearing the I Apologize for Nothing T-Shirt
4. You think multitasking is overrated.
Why do three things when you can focus on slowly doing one… tomorrow?
5. You consider walking to the fridge a workout.
If you go to the kitchen and forget why you’re there, you still count that as “getting your steps in.”
6. You have strong opinions about naps.
You’ve ranked your favorite types of naps. You schedule them. You defend them. Some people have wine tasting; you have nap tasting.
7. You move like it’s an aesthetic choice.
It’s not laziness—it’s vibe. Your pace is a soft shuffle, your energy: ambient.
8. You treat your blanket like a second skin.
Weighted, fleece, quilted—whatever your choice, it’s a trusted emotional support system. Bonus if it doubles as a snack catcher.
9. Your morning routine begins around 2PM.
You wake up slowly. Like... really slowly. Coffee is more of a personality trait than a beverage.
10. Your inner monologue is 50% existential dread, 50% snack cravings.
You question the meaning of existence—then eat chips in bed about it.
🌌 May we recommend the Embrace the Existential Dread T-Shirt for this particular brand of awareness?
11. Your phone is always on Do Not Disturb.
Notifications? Absolutely not. Your vibe is peaceful, unreachable, and proud of it.
12. You’d rather rot than rush.
If you ever did hustle, you’ve since retired. You’re living the slow life and honestly? It looks good on you.
13. You’ve seriously considered moving to a tree.
Remote work, natural insulation, low stress... show us a downside. We’ll wait. Slowly.
14. Pants with buttons are offensive.
Your wardrobe is curated for softness and stretch. If it zips or clasps, it’s staying in the drawer.
15. You have a personal philosophy about doing less.
You’ve realized that not everything deserves your energy—and doing nothing is sometimes everything. Sloth wisdom activated.
🛎️ Embrace Your Inner Sloth
If you related to 7 or more of these, congratulations: you are a certified sloth-in-disguise. Share this post with your slowest, softest friends and tag us on Instagram using #SlothieSundays.
Need help dressing the part? Our cozy, made-to-order sloth gear is ready when you are. No rush.